What is wrong with me guys? I am feeling so down again. Don't get me wrong. It's not Matt. I don't yearn for that anymore. I'm done with that, really.
I have an ache in my heart and usually I can figure out why I do. It started with that sleepless night (Monday) and it's still around. I'm sad and I just cannot figure out why. Maybe you can tell me! :)
I feel my heart is broken. Today I cried, first time in a long while. The tears just came out. My mascara painted ashen brush strokes across my face as I carefully wiped my wet, tired eyes.
Is it the weather? It's almost 60 degrees today... so warm, so lovely (almost warmer than the inside of my home) ... It was a gloomy day, no sunshine. Every day in spring reminds me of one time in Summer 2010. Maybe it's just that everything reminds me of that pain. The weather. The temperature. This time of the year. There's no escape from it.
Maybe it's the powerlessness I feel, both back then and now. Maybe it's a reminder of the frustration. Maybe it's the loss. Maybe it's the pain of watching something / someone leave and not being able to do anything about it. Maybe it's seeing your child cry for his father, only two years old. And if you think that was fake, just a normal child reaction, that he'd cry for his father when his father left for work too if he'd still be living here, think again. I've seen Oliver fall into a sassy temper tantrum, only to stop short, fall into my arms and cry without the anger, "I miss my daddy." Just sobbing in my arms.
I'm asking myself tonight, "Why?" Why did that all matter so much to me? Why did I accept the unacceptable? Was it Oliver? Why can't I be the sort of woman who wont tolerate being treated poorly? Why do I make exception after exception after exception? Haven't I learned by now? I'm older, more mature. I handle things reasonably well, with graciousness at times even. In hindsight I really wish that I had filed for divorce in the summer of 2010. Instead I clung to that marriage. There were so many things he did that I felt were cruel. Maybe they didn't seem cruel to him, but to me, as I look back, they were horrible things to put up with. Why couldn't I say to him, "Screw You! I deserve better!"?
And when I do say, "Screw You" and the person responds callously with OK cool. Hasta la vista baby, why does that bother me so? Am I not really saying F/U for real? Am I testing? Am I expecting some sort of resistance? When I don't get a fight, why do I get panicky? I was so fast to apologize back then... all the way up to late Summer 2011. Initially I was so fast to beg. To plead. To get down on my knees to show how deeply sorry I was. To be kind when I was being hurt. To act tough when I was falling apart inside. To be understanding when I myself didn't understand. I was in crisis mode, doing whatever I could to save a marriage, to get this guy— this guy who didn't care very much about me — to return home.
I looked up fear of abandonment tonight. Did you know that is actually a personality disorder? That's right! It is classified as a disorder. OK, kidding aside, I don't think I have a fear of abandonment. I don't like being left behind. Based on what I went thru the past two years, I have work to do.
I read today something about Madonna getting proposed to. Her "friends" told the press that she doesn't like being alone. That she has a fear of being alone. That is not something I would ever have thought about her, so of course, I had to do more (google) research on that.
Turns out, Madonna wants to be a family again. She has 4 children, two adopted. Here's what I read:
Madonna revealed she wants a partner in life and that there were even “certain things” she missed about being married, such as “being a part of a family unit” and “not having to make all the decisions on my own.”
“I don’t want to live my life on my own,” she said. “I love being a mother. My children fill me up in many ways, and inspire me in many ways, but I need a partner in my life and I think most people feel that way. I’ve never really lived a conventional life, so I think it’s quite foolish for me or anyone else to start thinking that I am going to start making conventional choices.”
Putting family first, one of the most important things Madonna said she looks for in a partner, is something her two biological children, Lourdes, 15, and Rocco, 11, and her two adopted children, David Banda and Mercy James, both 6, will respect.
“Someone who feels a connection with my children and respects the idea that they have to be a role model as well,” Madonna said. “It’s a lot to live up to.”
I get that. In some weird way, I actually get that. I don't need a partner. But it would be great to have some help. To share the joys of parenting with. To laugh with. To do things together as a family. To watch someone fall in love with your child, see the beauty in him, relish the laughter and his profound logic. It would also be great to wash this "having to move on" stuff aside. Cleanse me of this old stuff. Receive more than what I dreamed of. To be loved and cherished, adored, made to feel pretty and special. It'd be great to have a partner and move on. And focus on what I want... a family unit again. But, I don't mind doing this on my own. I'm not dependent upon any one person. I said in my last post, it can be a struggle at times, but I am proving to myself (and my son) that I am strong and I can do this, alone. In spring/summer 2010, I could get up in the morning despite not wanting to. I could get dressed, fix lunch, play with my son, mow the lawn, show up for work, be there for the women I mentor, take time to go to the cottage. All this while crying almost every single day at dawn, hating the sunlight. Some things are a lot more difficult without Matt around. Some things are harder than they used to be. I move from one appointed place to the next. That's why on Monday after work, I finally sat down at Alterra and chilled out. Read blogs. Drank coffee. Did some writing. Skipped a meeting. Stopped rushing.
Maybe that's why my feelings started catching up with me. (Or maybe my sleepless night was due to the caffeine intake at 6pm that Monday evening.) ;) The spring weather, slowing down a bit, feeling raw, missing being a family, missing the help and comfort I had, realizing my imperfections, not only as a wife, mother and friend, but at work as well. Nothing is quite right in my life. My job, my weight, my emotions. Let no one criticize me however, for I am doing something about each and every single one of those areas. I work hard to improve. It takes a tremendous amount of humility to partner with my manager to turn things around at work. My ego has been leveled. Turns out, I'm not so great after all.
Easy on yourself there girl.
Will do. Life has been traumatic the last 24 months. Less so in the last 5 or 6. That was when I finally ended my escapade. No longer trying to save my marriage, I was free to focus on me and my future. I rejoined WW. I am seeking honest feedback at work and implementing changes. I know the value of constructive criticism. I also know the value of striving to make changes.
That doesn't mean I can't cry every now and then, or feel just a tad bit sorry for myself. ;)
Only she can say it better right now.... Take it away Linda!