Friday, April 13, 2012

BE

Just be.

That is my word for the weekend: BE.

Be still and know that I am God.

My mind has been racing for weeks, for months! I worry, I fret. I get angry, irritated. I have expectations. Little tolerance. I speak softly, but at times my intolerance and insecurities eek out — not often, but enough times to wreck havoc in my life.

Here's what my friend and I read earlier today, once we were settled into our rooms. I'll share bits and pieces.

It's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do for “complacency” is a subtle foe …

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? (I can answer a solid yes to all those questions recently!) Do we own an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? We we kind and loving toward all? (Um... no) What could we have done better? We we thinking of ourselves most of the time? (yep) Or were we thinking of what we cold do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? …

In thinking about our [next] day, we may face indecision…Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come …

As we go through the day we pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show. We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

Friends, this describes me — excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. When I read that earlier this evening, I was shocked at how much of it applied to me. I'm riddled with fear!

Look, if you're not religious, this still can have meaning for you. These passages have had meaning for me for many years; most of those years, I was not Christian.

We relax and take it easy.

Friends, this has not been me the last 5 months. While the past half-year has been a relief and more joy-filled than it had been prior, I have had my ups and downs, at times propelled by fear. Intolerance masked with acceptance. Upon arrival at the retreat center, I knew the word I had to focus on this weekend: Be. Just be. Don't try. Don't do anything. Just shhhhh. Just be. Nothing more. Not one thing more. Just be.

I push people away sometimes. People like me, this I know. Generally, I think I'm a good person. But I think it takes a lot of energy to work with me at times. Work has been difficult, altho now it's on the upswing. My friendships are good. I have no problems with any, or most of my friends. Shockingly ;) there are people out there who do not like me, but we can't be all things to all people. And I've made mistakes. I'm human, at best.

The sad thing is that I try. (Maybe that's not sad.) I try. And I still fuck up. (sorry for the swear....) I mess up a lot. And when it comes to men, I have much to learn. The highs and lows, altho not devastating, are still around. Life is still full of fear for me, uncertainty. In my best moments, I know I'll be OK. I know it. And guess what, I still know it.

What I don't know yet, is if I'm lovable. What I don't know yet is all the yucky stuff about me that pushes people away or hurts others. What I haven't over come yet is that feeling of being rejected, left behind, unwanted. Trash, if you will. At work I have not been efficient. It was a blow to my ego when I realized that. This separation has definitely affected my job. But no longer can I blame Matt. If I am to take to heart and hold tight to my bosom those words above, if I remind myself I am no longer running the show, then I become much more efficient.

Time to take a good hard look friends. I've been pointing to Matt as the bad guy. Maybe not outright, but I have. There's much I need to learn about being a calm, loving, tolerant, accepting person.

Funny because I do, truly, believe I am all those things. (You should see me drive these days! I can't remember when the last time I swore at another driver!)

And then I'm not those things.

There are two parts of me. I want to rid myself of the stuff that is getting in my way. That's the part I'd like to see less of. I don't want to push people (men) away. I don't want to feel rejected anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm someone with too much baggage.

Are you sick of reading my personal journal now? :) Talk about self-centered. :) I'm all I've been writing about the last few posts.

So, just for fun, I'll give you a glimpse into a future post.

oliver

My son loves the outdoors.

oliver-mud

There is no nature deficit disorder in this child's life.

muddyboots

Nor a lack of mud.

(See ya tomorrow. Sleep well. And as a good friend says to me almost nightly, "Sweet Dreams.")

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