Having this bug set me back a full week. I did not start my new job (did I mention I have a new job?) last week as planned. I will start this Monday.
I'm excited. I'm excited to get back in the sports car and drive full throttle. OK, exaggerating a little. A lot. A lotta lot.
The past 6 months have been so nice. Time to be at home with my son. Time to chill. Have fun. Organize. Do fun things. Time's been suspended. We have managed financially. I am so grateful for all the help we've received, the benefits that are out there for single moms. I'm grateful for the foresight to save $$ so that when this time came I was prepared. Thank you Suze Orman. :) I'm grateful to those who cooked us meals, those who treated me to dinners and lunches, and grocery gift cards, those who offered their time to take care of Oliver at no charge. I'm so very grateful to God who's timing is perfect; this whole thing worked out for the greater good, yet I could not see it at the time. I could not have orchestrated anything better, and nothing quite as perfect.
There is a lot of fear surrounding a new job. Will I like it? Will I have fun? Will it be fulfilling? Those are my fears. I do trust that the people will be great to work with. No fear there. I do trust that I will be able to live up to expectations. Slight fear, but I can easily hand that one over to Him and know that I would not be in this spot if I were not skilled enough to take on this job.
There are some fears of not seeing my son enough.
There are some bigger fears, fears that had gone away when I lost my job and was able to spend an enormous amount of time with Oliver. That’s the closeness, comfort, tight family unit that this divorce has always threatened: a broken home, Oliver split between two places. Somehow, while home with him, I felt both he and I were filled up enough with one another that he always left here feeling complete, not torn. Now we will be back to my being gone more, Oliver in school and daycare. When I say goodbye to him in the morning, I may not see him for two days. Two and a half. I still cannot wrap my head around that. I still cannot forgive Matt for that. For tearing up a family. For making Oliver have to go between two homes. For placing him in a position where he has to face feelings he'd never have to face otherwise, feelings that a 4-year old should not have to face. I still think this was all unnecessary. The shake up? Necessary. Divorce? Permanently tearing a family unit apart? Unnecessary.
Sigh. Deep breath. This is not a good place to live. I don't live in this place. But it's absurd if I think I am done dealing with this stuff. Of course I'm not. I've accepted the situation I'm in. I've even learned to thrive and enjoy my circumstances. Doesn't mean I don't have certain feelings and opinions about it.
I will seriously think hard before getting married again. Right now I think I will never marry again.
I'm completely OK today without a man in my life. There was a time, about a year ago, when I really wished for that, for that family unit. Not anymore. Today I don't need anyone in my life. I'm enjoying the company I do keep, for now that is enough. I have little to give right now to a relationship. No person in my life is necessary to live happily. Altho, allow me to be clear: I'm grateful for all I have.
Alas, this suspended reality is about to end. I'm about to embark on a new journey. It will be nice to have a paycheck coming in again. I'll have a mortgage to pay soon, and this job opportunity could not come at a more perfect time. God's perfect timing.