Oh Friends, if you only knew about the struggles that are going on in my life right now. I just can't write about it (I don't feel like sharing with the world), and my nature, as always — or should I say in all ways — is to be optimistic, look forward, have hope and be grateful. I put my best foot forward (I like both of my feet equally, so it really doesn't matter which one I start with) and just deal. Deal. I put on my big girl panties and deal.
Sick of dealing some times. Some days I do give in to self-pity and depression. I tried to stay in bed this morning. Really I did. I had a good excuse too. Major headache. Ugh! But then I had arranged to meet a few of my favorite moms for coffee after drop off, and that gave me a reason to get out of bed. That and Bella. She sleeps thru the night but she does need to go potty every morning.
Coffee. Even coffee is what gets me out of bed most days. I love my Nespresso machine and the coffee it produces. I look forward to a cup each morning.
But this morning I couldn't drink coffee. No. My anxiety is up again. Has been for a few days. Depression kicked in last week despite several workouts at the gym (which is really what this post was supposed to be about. Workouts and workout fashion. Tune in tomorrow for that update.)
And wouldn't you know it, God has a way of helping me when I'm in this kind of state. As I moved thru my home to let Bella out of her crate, a friend of mine who I adore was just getting back into his truck. He came with his dog to say hi to Bella. I told him to stop by this week anytime so he could meet my pup. I caught him just in time and we sat outside and watched my dog frolic around. His sweet dog growled (she's harmless, but old). It was this visit, this moment that got me out of my self and in to the world of the living.
I brushed my teeth, rinsed my face, applied make up and headed to the coffee shop. Once again I was reminded of God's love for me, what a gift my life is, and how beautiful I must be to Him, even in the midst of a depression which I don't understand.
Now I'm back in the land of the living. My depressed states are lurking around corners, but when I stay active and present in my life, I keep them at bay. I don't know why the depression is hounding me. I have a lot to be grateful for, but then again, there are a ton of worries at this time too, none of which I care to share publicly. (I'm healthy, Oliver's healthy, my family is healthy. No one is dying.)
I can give you a little glimpse: It is coming up on a 4 -year anniversary of my X dropping the bomb on me — when he told me he was no longer in love with me. I still deal with insecurity regarding my insides and outsides and if a man will ever really love me the way I'd like to be loved. I am a little happy and yet sad that Oliver has a little family being built at his father's home (the X's girlfriend moved in. I think. According to Oliver. The X still hasn't told me.) And I have had zero income for the last two months. Zero. And no potential income. So I'm peddling the streets looking for a job. Lastly, I received unwelcome news about my home.
I just wish I could be in a place in my life where I would not have to worry about being loved and about having enough to pay bills. Security. I wish I had a bit of security. I wish I had a soft place to land with my boyfriend. He's been good, but I'm not sure he's the marrying type. I do envy, somewhat, those who are married. Life seems easier when you are married. It was for me at least. You had someone to count on. Someone to help. Someone to journey thru together. Someone to share the ups and downs with. Someone to love your child together with. And money... I wish I had the income I had just a few months before. It's scary living on the edge. Luckily I have a good nest egg.
All that, of course, makes it seem a little easier to stay in bed for the day, something I have not done in the last decade or two. Hide under the covers. The problem is, things don't change when you're under the covers. And that silly Bella needs to go out. And Oliver needs to get picked up from school. And the Wednesday class that I'm taking will be a waste of money if I don't attend. I have Oliver for the next 5 days. I cannot allow myself to succumb to depression.
Easter is just around the corner too. It should be a joyful time. We have nice plans. I hope the day will be fun. I hope I will feel loved. I will be spending it with my boyfriend and his family, and Oliver.
Working out has been really good too. I'm still with Otto, altho I grossly miscalculated the continent of his accent. Turns out he's from Argentina. Who knew they cannot pronounce W's?? Nonetheless, he's tough some days, but he's my little demon of encouragement. I'm growing stronger.
And those lunges? You all would be so proud of me. I can do 10-15 per leg, without breaking a sweat! :) It's true. Otto was right. After a full month of working out, there have been a lot of improvements! Sundresses and sleeveless shirts might be in my future after all!