Special Needs Parenting and Marriage: How to Protect Your Relationship from Burnout
Recently, we had one of the most exhausting weeks we’ve had in a long time. Peanut refused to sleep every single night. No exaggeration, she was up all night and didn’t finally fall to sleep until 9 or 10 in the morning. That meant one of us was up with her, running on fumes, even if we each got a couple of hours of sleep here and there.
Just so you know, it’s really hard to be a good spouse when you have nothing left to give.
By the end of the week, we both realized we hadn’t gone to sleep together once in seven nights and only once or twice in the last 3 weeks. Our constant shifts didn’t just make us exhausted; they slowly chipped away at our intimacy and connection.
How are you supposed to keep love alive when life demands so much from both of you?
The Reality Check
I never fully understood the pressures that special needs families face until we became one.
There’s constant care to be given. The financial strain feels never-ending. The emotional and physical exhaustion piles up day after day. But the hardest part of a marriage? The lack of time and energy left for each other.
It’s so easy to stop being husband and wife and start feeling like roommates, just trying to keep this little person alive. You realize you haven’t connected in days, and honestly, you don’t even have the energy to try.
If this sounds familiar, please know, you’re not broken. This life is just heavy sometimes.
Why Protecting the Marriage Matters
I came across a heartbreaking statistic: divorce rates for parents of children with autism can be as high as 80-87%. That’s devastating.
When you’re wrapped up in therapies, appointments, and sleepless nights, it’s easy to forget that your marriage is the foundation holding it all together. The relationship can start to feel like just one more thing to manage.
But protecting your marriage isn’t just important, it’s essential for your family’s well-being.
A strong marriage is the emotional safety net both parents need. When you feel connected, you’re better equipped to face the challenges head-on. You’re also creating a home that strives through he hardest moments.
I’ve learned the hard way: when you pour from an empty cup, there’s nothing left, not for each other, and not for your kids. That’s why guarding this relationship is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.
Practical Ways to Guard Your Relationship
Prioritize Micro-Connection Moments
The small moments make the biggest differences. This past year, Juan and I committed to weekly stay-at-home dates. We’d order from a local restaurant (that also had a great Saturday night deal), enjoy dinner together, sometimes watch a funny movie, and occasionally, Peanut would be right there with us. Those few hours together meant everything, just reconnecting.
Schedule Marriage Time Without Guilt
I can’t tell you how guilty I feel leaving Peanut with a sitter, especially after a long week. But isn’t that what respite care is for? Even just 30 minutes kid-free at Starbucks can totally change your attitude towards each other.
Communicate Before the Crisis
We heard on a podcast (can’t remember which one) about checking in on what percentage you and your spouse are “running at.” Maybe you’re at 20% and he’s at 60%. Knowing that helps both of you recognize when you need more support. Just being aware of where you are can make a huge difference in how you communicate.
Divide the Load Fairly (and Revisit Often)
There have been times I felt overwhelmed by appointments, therapy, and schooling, and I resented Juan for not doing enough. But instead of talking about it, I snapped and argued. Checking in regularly about how to share the load keeps one person from burning out.
Get Support Together
Our friendship has been a lifeline for our marriage, not just for extra laughter, but for encouragement. Our friends love Peanut just as she is and push us to go out, have fun, and step outside of the house more often.
God in the Center
When people ask how our marriage has survived all we’ve been through, our first answer is always: Because of God. Without Him at the center, there’s no way we’d still be together.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says. “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”
We stay strong because God is holding us together. On exhausting nights, during endless therapy sessions, and stressful doctor visits, God is right there with us.
My Challenge to You
The challenges will always be there, but so will the choice to fight for each other.
Every week, try one small thing for your spouse. A note to say you’re thinking of them. Their favorite coffee. Or even just letting them control the remote for the night. It doesn’t have to be big; you don’t have the time or energy for that. But the small things mean the most.
I’d love to hear how you connect with your spouse. What have you overcome together? What traditions have you created? Please share in the comments below.
