Tuesday, September 16, 2014

No Dread This Morning

Today is the first day I woke without panic and dread. I also made it thru the evening, even tho I knew what my ex-boyfriend might have been up to. I dismissed all thoughts of him (and her) and told myself to be in the present.

I went to a study group (my church has small groups) and relaxed into a comfortable place as old friends who truly care about me filled the room. I did not bring up everything about myself last night; most know anyway. I did ask for prayers for Oliver as his mornings are filled with sadness. He does not seem to like school, and never has. It saddens me. I worry for him.

I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday who was someone I worked with at the old agency. She and I and another gal were laid off at the same time. She lives near me, we have much in common. I hadn't spoken with her most of the summer. It was nice to catch up and I found myself referring to Bill as a jerk. I surprised even myself.

No, I would no longer take him back. I wanted to at one point, but no more. I'm starting to see him for who he is NOW, and starting to distrust most of what he said to me in the past 6 months or more. I see he really did care for me the first couple years. We both learned things along the way; he was truly kind, caring and loving. This year was riddled with sadness over us. I think he began to pull away a few months ago, maybe when he met this new friend. Our differences perhaps became magnified, who knows.

Regardless, it doesn't matter.

I imagined him returning to me and found myself telling him to F-off, to get out, to leave me alone. I almost hate him but I don't. I don't want him around me nor my son. I think I was too good for him; perhaps he knew that on some level. I'm far more successful than he is. I'm happier (I was anyway). I grab life and have a ton of fun. I am on a whole different level than he is. In a lot of ways, I'm healthier than he is.

Regardless, it doesn't matter.

Trust me, I'm not blameless in this situation at all either. I was good to him, but I have my faults (we all do). I don't think I caused a break up, and I do think I was mislead by him.

Regardless, it doesn't matter.

I'm moving on. I'm sure there will be days I miss him. I'm sure eventually he may miss me. I really don't know, and I'm even getting to the point where I don't care.

Funny how I go thru ups and downs. Only a few days ago I felt horrible that he left. Only a week ago I missed him terribly. Ten days ago I'd have done anything to have him back. Today I feel the pain and know that I am on my way to hopefully something better. Everyone tells me I deserve better. EVERYONE. I just have to believe it. Maybe there is a tiny crack in my soul that believes that too. Maybe...

Working on getting my self-esteem back and doing things that help me to feel good about myself. I'm working today. Each time I speak with my contact at the agency I'm contracting with, I feel good about me. Each box packed I feel good. Each time I lay my head on the pillow I let go of my troubles.

I still am working on finding my way back to my son. There is not a lot written about depression's effects on maternal instinct. There's a ton written about post-partum depression, but not about this kind. I can tell you that this change in me did affect my desire to be present for my son, yet I worked hard to get that back. Some days it's an act. My head and even my heart knows to be there for him; it takes effort where wanting to be with him came naturally at one time. I still love him as much; I see him at lunch and we have breakfast and dinner together every night. I play with him. I love him. I tell him he's smart, strong and capable. Yet in order to do that, I push thru something. I'm not sure what it is... like opening a very heavy heavy door to walk into a room. The strength it takes, the extra time it takes, the effort... that's what being there for Oliver is like right now. Breathing is shallow, stale, warm.

Working on it guys. Truly, I am.

Monday, September 15, 2014

September 15th

Just over 20 years ago, my mother passed away, unexpectedly.

Not fun times for anyone. Many of my qualities I received from her. She was def a one-of-a-kind.

She was born in 1923, which would make her 91 years old if she were still alive today. She had 4 children; she was married twice.

Single mom of two kids, she met my father and had my sister. About 15 years later, she had me. I was rummaging thru old boxes as I was packing up to move, and I came across this photo. I think she had to be in her teens in this photo...

She's the one with the big smile... a pin on her dress. Second from the right in the back row.

I wanted to add more pix, and I may do so later tonight. Check back. I love those old photos.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Getting Out

September flipped a switch. Just two weeks ago we had a steady stream of 75 degree days. Suddenly, we are in Fall. Summer ended by slamming its door shut.

When I began packing for this move at the end of August, I hustled all my fall and winter clothes into boxes. You saw the photo of my living room. My brother, up for the weekend to help me (for the third time), and I had to pull apart those stacks to find the box labeled Fall Clothes, no easy feat. It's freakin' cold out already and I hadn't a sweater in sight.

Today it was in the low 60's. Warm enough for both me and Oliver, so we got on our bikes and hit the trail. Nearby there is a bike trail that takes us all the way down to the lakefront, ending near our favorite coffee shop. We got a late start, and we haven't done a lot of "training" this summer, so we only went for a 3 mile ride.

The fresh air and endorphins worked in my favor. The dark clouds parted way for sunshine and finally peace. No stress. No angst. No sadness. Even some healthy thoughts about how I deserve better and "he" wasn't all that great anyway.

I am guessing there will be more days like yesterday, but I'm hoping for more days like the second part of this one.

Only a few more days left in this house. We're bare bones here, but there seems to be so much to do yet. We move Saturday (my friends come to get the boxes); the movers on Monday. I'm crazy busy with work too. This should be an interesting week.

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