Monday, April 6, 2015

And Life Goes On...

It's been over a month since I published a post. Our lives have been good, lots of ups, a few downs. Of course there has been a lot that has changed in our lives.

Today I'm not in the best of places. I don't feel like sharing. It's not unusual to go thru these things, it's mostly that I am now starting to feel less like an open book. Perhaps I would like to keep much of what happens private.

And there are several reasons for that.

At the same time, I will keep posting here on RP. I will do it because I know my friends who I don't get to see often will check here. I also do it so I have a record of what is going on in our lives. It's important for me not to forget, but also so Oliver can look back some day and see. And in the wee wee chance that I may have a custody battle on my hands some day (I don't anticipate one at this point, but one never knows), this blog is a record of what kind of mother I am. I think I'm a good mom. I know Oliver loves me more than anything. I love him deeply. He is the reason I am still here, on Earth. The painful things I went thru last fall, and the first year or two after my ex-husband left were the hardest things I have ever had to face. I hope and pray to my Dear God that I will never ever have to feel that kind of pain again.

Pain is not inevitable. Of course we will all feel it time to time. I never want to experience pain to the levels of depth that I have last summer/fall. I simply cannot do that. I tolerated it for my son. For the rest of the people in my life — I love you all but your love, kindness and enduring friendship were not motivation enough. Not even the pain you might feel.

Depression is cunning. It's baffling. It does not make sense, it does not talk sense.

What makes sense is the sunlight coming into my living room. My son's pleas for breakfast. His sadness he feels at times for the truly painful things that worry a young boy's heart. School. Teachers. Getting in trouble. Living in two homes. Not feeling good enough. These are somewhat normal for little kids. And to be there for him is why I put one foot in front of the other during that time.

The breakup between me and Bill was harder than my divorce. Oh both were equal in terms of the initial shock. The second breakup was too soon and too similar to the first one. What made it harder was Bill wouldn't speak to me AT ALL, and he threatened me with court. It went from good, to so-so, to good, to we're at a weird place, to maybe we should break up, to normal almost, to nothing. Silence. Then came all the rest of the BS, things I cannot describe here online. There are too many people I know and I wish there was a way for me to remain anonymous so that I could share openly without those who I know thru my career to read.

Does this affect my ability to design? To work? To show up for work? To be fully present at work? Not one bit. Work is what gives me the reason to feel good about who I am as a productive woman. I earn an income. I perform a job, a skill that I'm really good at. I feel good about myself. I am passionate about what I do. I have an opinion, and my opinion helps my clients. I'm alive when I am working. I don't have to deal with any of those thoughts that go thru my head about my personal life. I can talk about my son, about our fun adventures, and about what interests me other than that which ails me.

I long to work at times in an agency again. And yet I like the freedom that owning my own business gives me.

.   .   .   .   .

So why haven't I written and published recently here?

We have been busy with good things. Karate. Turning 7! Soccer. Hot yoga. Painting. Hugging and cuddling and watching shows. Making warmth in the fire place. Keeping our home clean and clutter-free. Cooking. Swimming. Playing.

All sorts of things have kept us busy.

All good stuff.

And yet, one little secret remains. That of my heart healing. The ups and downs. The attempts to understand. The faith I have in God that I am to be right where I am, not to worry, that I will be OK. I am OK. We ARE OK. I still wish I had my happy-ever-after. But I'm willing to wait.

So many have told me that I need to learn to accept myself, love myself, be OK alone.

I fight those things because I feel I am ALONE and have been for quite some time. It's been more than 9 months since break up. Not one single date have I gone on. Not once have I put myself in a position to date. I wanted to heal. I'm still healing.

I don't understand why I still hurt. Why I'd fall back into his arms if only he'd open them for me.

I don't understand those who tell me Jesus has His arms open for me. I pray. I talk to Him. I ask for help. I give thanks, daily. I don't feel His arms too much really. I only trust that He has a plan for me and that I will find love again some day. I ask him to remove the pain, to help me heal, to relieve me of the obsession. He hasn't yet and THAT I do not understand.

I dont understand those who tell me I have low self-esteem. OK great. So what do I do? I take care of myself and my body. I think well of myself. I try hard to focus on my features.

And it all falls flat. All of it. All of the above.

Then I end up here. Here. In this place of doubt. Faithlessness. Hurt. Despair.

Until the sun shines again.

And for a little while I am OK again. I have hope. I have courage. I have esteem.

.   .   .   .   .

I just wish I knew how to get rid of this longing for a man who doesn't love me, never had, and has moved on. Time takes time.

Why is it they don't need that much time? They all move on. Quite quickly I might add.

Monday, March 2, 2015

And You Will Know the Truth...

I will never know the truth about Bill or what he was up to last summer. I will never know how long he was with that other woman before he discarded me.

It's OK and it's not OK.

I grapple, still, with the two sides of that man.

And in my journey I have discovered some disconcerting truths. He was not the man I thought he was. He most likely trashed my reputation to others, thankfully people who have little to do with my life.

I am blessed in ways I cannot even begin to imagine, there is a God who loves me just as I am, I have family and friends who love me right where I'm at, I'm loved by my son, I am a gifted, kind person who has a lot to offer this world still.

That is what I believe to be true.

The more I read, the more I realize I was duped, brain washed, abused, lied to. The more I read, the more I begin to believe I was with someone who is truly evil.

I know, sounds bizarre and sketchy and all that. Sounds like I'm paranoid.

Just remember, there are people everywhere, in the sweetest gentlest of towns who murder and kill. Not saying I was with a murderer, but I do truly believe he is capable of doing things that most people would not do because he had no conscience. People without a conscience are sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists.

The above excerpt is from a book called, The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. It describes my ex-boyfriend 100% and how I viewed him. I grapple now with adding his photo here, expressionless, haunting. But I wont. You can search my blog if you want to see his vacuous face, but I don't think it's helpful to tar and feather him here. 

And let me also say that I know that John 8:22 refers to God. That is how the truth will set me free.

I am not a stupid woman. Each book I have read has helped me to understand that anyone can be duped by a psychopath. Anyone. 

And now I know what to look for. I don't think I will be fooled again. I'm not ready for a new relationship, but when I am, I will know myself better. And by learning how to give myself what I need, I will be better able to walk away from red flags, and to protect myself before I allow anyone to get close to my heart.

If you like to read the bible, this is a great app for women. In addition to a wonderful calming beautiful interface and approach, the app offers these amazingly luminous illustrations by Patrick Laurent. I love each of them! You can also find his shop, Quiet Boy Studio on etsy.

And lest you think I am haunted only by my past ...

My son keeps me busy. I know my life is good, so good. I know that I am gifted and blessed. I know I have so much to offer friends, family, strangers.

In the end, all is well.

And for goodness sake, it's Dr. Seuss's birthday today!

And I'm not too grown up to avoid a selfie, now that my brows have been cleaned up. :P

And this is what I really about that relationship ...

I am finally believing that I am better than what he treated me as. I am worthy of love, of being treated well. I am beginning to value myself and what I bring to life, to others. I am a good woman. I have a lot of love to give. I have a genuinely gorgeous sweet son who loves me unconditionally.

I am worthy of being treated well.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

It's far from over. But I'm glad I have had your company along the way.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Decorating a Child's Room in 5 Easy Steps

My true love, my sweet son.

May you never lose this innocence, the wisdom you already posses, and the ability to articulate what you believe to be.

How did I get so lucky to have such a wonderful son?

This child still loves me, adores me and wants to be with me. Many a night he flip flops into my room, slithers into my bed and snuggles his way onto the side of my bed that has no room for him. Why? To be close to me I suppose. I still sleep on one side only of my new queen sized bed. There is a vast amount of room for him on the other side, the side we've sometimes referred to as "his". But alas, he choses my side of the bed. I suppose I should consider myself lucky for when he does crawl into the other side, he takes over the bed and I end up clinging to the ends of my sheets so not to fall off.

This is how we roll in the morning.

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately. Work has been thin and I'm fortunate to have saved enough money to live on. With all that spare time on my hands, I finally have been able to get started on Oliver's bedroom.

It's a bit cluttered, but the kid has a lot of shtuff.

Here are the 5 steps to decorating a child's room:

  1. Determine what is really important, get rid of all the rest!!
  2. Find a few centers: play, read, hideout, and whatever... To encourage an activity, make room for it!!
  3. Place things in order of how they can be used; find containers and organize per activity.
  4. Pick a theme and then break out of the theme as much as possible.
  5. Have fun and pretend you're a kid too!

The decorating is almost complete. I found the cutest of things and with limited real estate and funding,  I've been able to provide boy’s room that even I myself, girly-girl that I am, would have given my right arm to have as a child.

I'm not done yet by any means. I am in the middle of painting it; I’ll be getting a bit of design assistance with a particular area rug I am considering. If I had an extra $1500, I’d order a custom light fixture (that’s not likely to happen unless I win the jackpot).

This is not our forever home, but it is going to be our home for a while and I just couldn’t resist making it fun for Oliver while we’re here. He had a few friends over this weekend and all was quiet. I found all three boys reading books and playing video games in the tree house. Glad to know the money has been well-spent.

What you can't see right now is that behind the black bin on the right is a secret tunnel to a secret hideout. Behind the locker, Oliver has a hideout area only accessible from the tunnel! No adults can fit there!

To encourage reading, I placed books everywhere!

I bought these poufs for my living room but realized they would be fun in here as well! The orange run doesn't necessarily match the Pirate bedding, but OH WELL!

The road rug gets used quite a bit! As does this Gorilla. Oliver sits in his lap and reads often. Or plays on his iPad (Friday's only). Blue xmas lights make this area really fun. A Pottery Barn book rack holds more books. An inexpensive reading lamp from IKEA makes reading a breeze. (He has one in his bed too. Unfortunately I don't have pictures of his bed...yet.)

Remember the schoolhouse chairs? I found them at a tag sale for $2 each. I painted and/or refinished them! These shelves are from IKEA.

This is Oliver's desk. He loves to draw and create and write. We separate his markers by color, and he has every color Crayola makes. I think this is important, and it's something I would have loved as a child. He colors a lot, constantly. He cuts and tapes and pastes drawings together, so this is something I don't mind spending money on. There above the markers is a shelf from IKEA. I put all of his fun activity books up there so it's super easy for him to reach for them and start an activity. We often color and doodle together.

He even has task lighting. This is most likely because I am a graphic designer and I have always had task lighting on my own desks. :) Tissue too. He loves modeling clay and often comes home from school and plants himself at his desk. I almost am jealous of his cool room.

As you can see he is really into tree houses and little tree house villages.

His room is a bit cluttered, but it's all we really have right now. This kid had a playroom in our other home. So... I decided to sell his dresser and opt for a smaller IKEA dresser.

It fit just perfectly in his closet. All with his arsenal of Nerf "shooters."

This I found at a library sale in Door County. It's so simple and sweet, I could not donate it to Good Will with most of his other baby things.

A wonderful Target find... this wooden / rubber car.

Two cent army guys.

Oliver has a vast collection of books, all of which he loves to read. Over and over again. He loves the library, but he also loves to have his own book collection. I don't mind supplying him with books that are super cool and unique. Or used. :)

Target has these great bins with navy stripes.

And we are very much into these vintage posters. He has two large ones and one small one framed.

Again, another find at the flea market.

This was the Death Star or something like it I think.

Here are my favorite finds. A $7 clock from Target. And a $5 hook where he hangs his coat and back pack daily.

And my most favorite... a TJ Maxx find. It holds one of Oliver's favorite toys from babyhood: a Plan stacker. Super duper cool A book I gave him. And a vintage car that belonged to my brother when he was a child. Sorry Jim... I'm keeping it. :P

So there you have it. My Sweet Son's room. He's kept it really clean and neat since I did this and he has even offered to pay me $10 each time I make his bed! Since money is tight, I think I'll take him up on the offer! :P

Other random posts

Blog Widget by LinkWithin