Wednesday, April 29, 2015

April 29, 2010

On that date, April 29, 2010, five years ago, my husband walked out of our home. I believe that was a Thursday.

On Sunday he came home from a weekend retreat. He asked me what I wanted to do that day (with Oliver). I said, "Let's go for a bike ride at the park."

“I don't want to go all the way out there,”  he said.

“Why do you ask me what I want to do if you don't want to do it?” I replied.

I walked away. Sad. Bummed. It had been a stressful couple weeks for us. I had no idea what was to come next, but I knew things were not great. Not because we had been fighting. No. I sensed something. An indifference. A distance. He had been unreachable lately.

I sat down in my son's room, on the glider Matt had insisted he buy for me and our baby. I didn't want to spend the money, but he had really wanted me to have it. And I had been so incredibly grateful for it once our son was born.

Matt walked into the room.

He stood there.

I can still see him. About 4 feet away from me. I was looking at him. He was looking away.

"It's over," he said. "I don't love you anymore. I don't think I ever loved you."

My heart dropped to the floor. I knew he was serious. I knew this was it.

"No!" I moaned. But I knew it was useless. He was gone.


I fell to my knees.

He walked away.

I could not believe what I was hearing, and yet I just knew it was the end. I knew there was nothing I could say or do.

I tried tho. I said a few things. He was stoic. Gone. Empty. He had nothing for me. He was a stone wall.

I tried to plea, but he would not even put his arms around me. He would not look at me. He offered no comfort, no response.

I don't remember anything else except that he said he was moving out. Right away.

We both walked out. He took Oliver to the park, and I starting calling for help. Friends. Support. No one was around.

I watched Matt and Oliver head down the alley. I wanted so badly to be with them.

Finally I reached a friend. “Come over,” she said.

I drove over there.

“He just needs to calm down.”

“No. He's serious. It is over.”

“Give him time to cool off.”

“No. We did not have a fight. It wasn't an argument. It was not said in the heat of the moment. It's over!”

That was Sunday.

By Tuesday he had found an apartment.

By Thursday, he was moved out.

It's five years later. He never came back. Not once.

We did attempt to see each other for a short time. End of May thru the 4th of July. A month or so. We were intimate. We took a planned trip to San Antonio the first weekend of July, but he was not chivalrous. He was not interested in me, instead he was on the phone texting his buddy all weekend, I suspect giving him a play by play. And when we came back he told me that the more time he spends with me, the less he wants to be with me. He told me that as my friends pulled up in the car. We were headed to a girls weekend away. I wanted to die. I didn't know if I could even have fun that weekend. I didn't know if I wanted to live.

He would not look me in the eye for the next 6 months. I found out he had been seeing someone else. And then when that broke off, he was sweet to me again. For about a month. I actually had hope of a reconciliation. And then, boom. Back to being a nasty jerk. When he started seeing the woman he would eventually marry, he became kind to me. He had calmed down. It was an over night change. I still don't understand that, but it is what happened.

Six months after he met her, he filed for divorce. Two years later we were divorced.

And you know the whole story if you have been reading this blog. For I did start this blog two years or more before he left.

Today I'm OK. I'm finally over him. If I didn't have to see him, I would not. But we are amicable, most days. He and his wife came over for dinner on Oliver's 7th birthday. They make sure to give me Christmas and birthday and Mother's Day gifts too.

I'd rather not have to deal with him, but of course we have this beautiful boy. And for Oliver's sake, I don't trash his dad, or his dad's wife. I'm learning to trust Matt again, but not completely. Oliver needs him. I do it for Oliver, and for my own sanity. It's not really for Matt.

And now I face my next battle, the latest depression. The hurdle of another broken relationship. But even now I'm doing better. It's taken time. Healing from dating a Narcissist has been hard. It was not a normal break up. (Are they ever?)

I can tell you this: I am looking forward to summer. To the cottage opening up! I love my new apartment. My son is a hoot! And there have been no more roller coaster of emotions lately.

Life is finally somewhat stable.

And for that, I'm truly grateful.

Monday, April 6, 2015

And Life Goes On...

It's been over a month since I published a post. Our lives have been good, lots of ups, a few downs. Of course there has been a lot that has changed in our lives.

Today I'm not in the best of places. I don't feel like sharing. It's not unusual to go thru these things, it's mostly that I am now starting to feel less like an open book. Perhaps I would like to keep much of what happens private.

And there are several reasons for that.

At the same time, I will keep posting here on RP. I will do it because I know my friends who I don't get to see often will check here. I also do it so I have a record of what is going on in our lives. It's important for me not to forget, but also so Oliver can look back some day and see. And in the wee wee chance that I may have a custody battle on my hands some day (I don't anticipate one at this point, but one never knows), this blog is a record of what kind of mother I am. I think I'm a good mom. I know Oliver loves me more than anything. I love him deeply. He is the reason I am still here, on Earth. The painful things I went thru last fall, and the first year or two after my ex-husband left were the hardest things I have ever had to face. I hope and pray to my Dear God that I will never ever have to feel that kind of pain again.

Pain is not inevitable. Of course we will all feel it time to time. I never want to experience pain to the levels of depth that I have last summer/fall. I simply cannot do that. I tolerated it for my son. For the rest of the people in my life — I love you all but your love, kindness and enduring friendship were not motivation enough. Not even the pain you might feel.

Depression is cunning. It's baffling. It does not make sense, it does not talk sense.

What makes sense is the sunlight coming into my living room. My son's pleas for breakfast. His sadness he feels at times for the truly painful things that worry a young boy's heart. School. Teachers. Getting in trouble. Living in two homes. Not feeling good enough. These are somewhat normal for little kids. And to be there for him is why I put one foot in front of the other during that time.

The breakup between me and Bill was harder than my divorce. Oh both were equal in terms of the initial shock. The second breakup was too soon and too similar to the first one. What made it harder was Bill wouldn't speak to me AT ALL, and he threatened me with court. It went from good, to so-so, to good, to we're at a weird place, to maybe we should break up, to normal almost, to nothing. Silence. Then came all the rest of the BS, things I cannot describe here online. There are too many people I know and I wish there was a way for me to remain anonymous so that I could share openly without those who I know thru my career to read.

Does this affect my ability to design? To work? To show up for work? To be fully present at work? Not one bit. Work is what gives me the reason to feel good about who I am as a productive woman. I earn an income. I perform a job, a skill that I'm really good at. I feel good about myself. I am passionate about what I do. I have an opinion, and my opinion helps my clients. I'm alive when I am working. I don't have to deal with any of those thoughts that go thru my head about my personal life. I can talk about my son, about our fun adventures, and about what interests me other than that which ails me.

I long to work at times in an agency again. And yet I like the freedom that owning my own business gives me.

.   .   .   .   .

So why haven't I written and published recently here?

We have been busy with good things. Karate. Turning 7! Soccer. Hot yoga. Painting. Hugging and cuddling and watching shows. Making warmth in the fire place. Keeping our home clean and clutter-free. Cooking. Swimming. Playing.

All sorts of things have kept us busy.

All good stuff.

And yet, one little secret remains. That of my heart healing. The ups and downs. The attempts to understand. The faith I have in God that I am to be right where I am, not to worry, that I will be OK. I am OK. We ARE OK. I still wish I had my happy-ever-after. But I'm willing to wait.

So many have told me that I need to learn to accept myself, love myself, be OK alone.

I fight those things because I feel I am ALONE and have been for quite some time. It's been more than 9 months since break up. Not one single date have I gone on. Not once have I put myself in a position to date. I wanted to heal. I'm still healing.

I don't understand why I still hurt. Why I'd fall back into his arms if only he'd open them for me.

I don't understand those who tell me Jesus has His arms open for me. I pray. I talk to Him. I ask for help. I give thanks, daily. I don't feel His arms too much really. I only trust that He has a plan for me and that I will find love again some day. I ask him to remove the pain, to help me heal, to relieve me of the obsession. He hasn't yet and THAT I do not understand.

I dont understand those who tell me I have low self-esteem. OK great. So what do I do? I take care of myself and my body. I think well of myself. I try hard to focus on my features.

And it all falls flat. All of it. All of the above.

Then I end up here. Here. In this place of doubt. Faithlessness. Hurt. Despair.

Until the sun shines again.

And for a little while I am OK again. I have hope. I have courage. I have esteem.

.   .   .   .   .

I just wish I knew how to get rid of this longing for a man who doesn't love me, never had, and has moved on. Time takes time.

Why is it they don't need that much time? They all move on. Quite quickly I might add.

Monday, March 2, 2015

And You Will Know the Truth...

I will never know the truth about Bill or what he was up to last summer. I will never know how long he was with that other woman before he discarded me.

It's OK and it's not OK.

I grapple, still, with the two sides of that man.

And in my journey I have discovered some disconcerting truths. He was not the man I thought he was. He most likely trashed my reputation to others, thankfully people who have little to do with my life.

I am blessed in ways I cannot even begin to imagine, there is a God who loves me just as I am, I have family and friends who love me right where I'm at, I'm loved by my son, I am a gifted, kind person who has a lot to offer this world still.

That is what I believe to be true.

The more I read, the more I realize I was duped, brain washed, abused, lied to. The more I read, the more I begin to believe I was with someone who is truly evil.

I know, sounds bizarre and sketchy and all that. Sounds like I'm paranoid.

Just remember, there are people everywhere, in the sweetest gentlest of towns who murder and kill. Not saying I was with a murderer, but I do truly believe he is capable of doing things that most people would not do because he had no conscience. People without a conscience are sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists.

The above excerpt is from a book called, The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. It describes my ex-boyfriend 100% and how I viewed him. I grapple now with adding his photo here, expressionless, haunting. But I wont. You can search my blog if you want to see his vacuous face, but I don't think it's helpful to tar and feather him here. 

And let me also say that I know that John 8:22 refers to God. That is how the truth will set me free.

I am not a stupid woman. Each book I have read has helped me to understand that anyone can be duped by a psychopath. Anyone. 

And now I know what to look for. I don't think I will be fooled again. I'm not ready for a new relationship, but when I am, I will know myself better. And by learning how to give myself what I need, I will be better able to walk away from red flags, and to protect myself before I allow anyone to get close to my heart.

If you like to read the bible, this is a great app for women. In addition to a wonderful calming beautiful interface and approach, the app offers these amazingly luminous illustrations by Patrick Laurent. I love each of them! You can also find his shop, Quiet Boy Studio on etsy.

And lest you think I am haunted only by my past ...

My son keeps me busy. I know my life is good, so good. I know that I am gifted and blessed. I know I have so much to offer friends, family, strangers.

In the end, all is well.

And for goodness sake, it's Dr. Seuss's birthday today!

And I'm not too grown up to avoid a selfie, now that my brows have been cleaned up. :P

And this is what I really about that relationship ...

I am finally believing that I am better than what he treated me as. I am worthy of love, of being treated well. I am beginning to value myself and what I bring to life, to others. I am a good woman. I have a lot of love to give. I have a genuinely gorgeous sweet son who loves me unconditionally.

I am worthy of being treated well.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

It's far from over. But I'm glad I have had your company along the way.

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