Monday, June 6, 2016

2016 Has Been Great So Far!

I've been too busy enjoying my life, our lives, to write lately. It seems where there are no calamities, there are also no stories to be told.

You would not believe how tall and smart and sweet my son has become. Sweet he's always been, but tall and smart, thinking great thoughts, feeling confident, turning from a baby into a young boy with a bit of brains and a bit of charisma and charm. Yes, there are girls circling around him on the playground like the little birds in my yard this year, fighting for worms, fighting for a tad bit of attention from Oliver. He doesn't find it flattering, not yet anyway. He's slightly annoyed because he's really trying to score on the football or kickball field. I've watched him from afar once or twice and I see how seriously he takes his recess games. And when I'm not there physically, I hear all about the game when he comes home, play by play. I know how fast he's running, how his diet is affecting his game, how sleep and shoes and even shirts all play an important role in how he performs. His goal right now is to be a football player. And he's taking it quite seriously. His ball in hand wherever we go. And I mean, WHEREVER we go. He'd take it to church if he could.

Speaking of church, I gave Oliver a Jesus Calling for kids book. He reads it daily. I thought it was something I'd have to help him get into the habit of reading, but he's on his bed daily reading it. He loves it and last night he told me he really wants a Bible. He asked me all sorts of questions about Jesus and why he died, why he HAD to die, and really, truly, I'm just learning all this myself. Really. Heck I asked the question of my mentors just this past weekend! We were at the museum two weeks ago and there was a beautiful exhibit of Jerusalem. He was fascinated with the scale model of the town of Jerusalem,  recognizing all the places he'd heard about before. It was a really cool display and one of the other second graders started talking about Jesus. She mentioned a movie she saw, and after Oliver realized she knew buckets more about His life than he did he exclaimed, "Yeah, I haven't seen the movie yet." I'm like, whoa, there's not just one movie about Christ but I decided not to tackle the subject on a second grade field trip.

My apartment is beautiful. We have such a nice home here, and now I finally have it very organized. I had my girls over Friday night and needed just one more day to get it really cleaned up. But oh well. They were not here to see the apartment, they were here to see me. I had so much fun that we lacked any decent sleep so I did sleep much of the day Saturday. My body was wiped! I've been walking 3-15 miles a day (thanks to my new apple watch I know exactly how much I walk!) and between the cottage and my yard here at the new apartment, laundry in the basement up to the second floor or even the attic, I get around quite a lot. Saturday Oliver was with his dad and those days are now somewhat of a chill-out me-time specialty that I crave and thoroughly enjoy. I would of course rather have my life the way I had hoped and dreamed it would be, but this is nice too. I've relaxed comfortably into my life. That I can tell you is a big load off my back. It feels good to be me. Slightly over-weight, slightly broke, slightly getting older every day. And I don't mind it one bit. I'm beginning to like myself and not worry so much anymore about what others think of me. I have a lot of good friends and am lucky and blessed. I know this and it warms my heart and gives me great comfort and satisfaction.

I'll post pictures next.

The big surprise is a new blog coming soon. It's just around the corner!

xx oo

Monday, January 4, 2016

2016 Is My Year

Is this your year too?

Enough has happened in the last 18 months that I am completely ready to start 2016 with a fresh blank slate. I'm ready to leave the past behind me and am ready to present a new ME to the world.

A few things that I hope you will hold me accountable to:

I started Fit Girls and am doing a 28-challenge. Not super easy but doable. Clean eating in small portions and working out at home. I am making a little gym / workout area in the basement. It's an old basement with at least one dead mouse, but I'm not afraid those tiny varmints, and in the pursuit of a bikini body (or even just a one-piece body), I'll do what I must. Fitgirls.com is what I'm following. I'm an Instagram junkie so this suits me just fine.

No more spongie boundaries. Nope. I am building a brick wall of boundaries, and I will not let anyone kick it down.

No more low-self esteem. I'm learning all these great things about myself and beginning to see what those who love me see.

No more beating myself up. I make mistakes. I am learning to look at WHY I make those mistakes and learning how to deal with difficult people in a healthier way.

No more explaining myself to others for why it took me so long to get over my ex-boyfriend. If someone doesn't understand Narcissistic Abuse, then it wont do me any good to explain why I acted the way I did.

I am letting what others think of me "go".

I am building a new website for emotionally abused women.

I am going to be honest, somewhere, either here or elsewhere about my past. Here's a sneak peak: I was almost murdered TWICE by two different men, two different times in my life. Once when I was 17 and once when I was in my 30's. The first time it would have been intentional homicide and the second time it would most likely have been unintentional homicide. Both men are free and living a nice life right now. Both men I am in contact with. (Please do not email, text or phone me about who these two men are.)

I am exploring business options.


I'm excited about 2016. There will always be challenges. I am determined to face them with strength and dignity, as I've done so often in the past.

Life is good today. I'm am working to keep this attitude (it's not difficult) as I move thru the coming months. I will share photos soon of the cute Christmas cookies I made and of our fun holidays. We had a blast.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

A Dozen Things to be Grateful for ...

We are just on the cusp of another holiday and we have exciting plans. Today was a banger of a day starting with a wonderful morning alone; hit with negativity from my neighbor (once a friend) and later swerving in time to save my life on the freeway. There was a driver that was angry, swerving in and out of traffic, even applying his windshield wiper fluid so that he could spray each car he cut off, myself included. It was ugly, and several cars almost crashed. I watched as he exited the freeway, thinking about how many lives he almost affected today (he did affect), and what damage could have been done had others not been aware and driven defensively.

I can't live in rage like that for long. How can people live like that? I don't understand it. (Be glad you don't understand Andrea.)

Rage is not a part of my life anymore, and I haven't been around the active disease in a long time. I have forgotten what it's like to be the target of someone else's rage and resentments. I am working thru my own inner demons and resentments, staying close to the spiritual side of things so that I don't collapse in despair. I haven't been the target of rage in a while so it's uncomfortable to say the least when it's spewed in my direction, especially when it's undeserved.

Addiction is deadly, but it's also very sick and ugly. It takes the sweetest kindest of hearts and tears the body, mind and soul apart. The alcoholic and the family members are all affected.

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
-Big Book of AA

I'm sickened by what has happened this year with my friendship with my neighbor. Things have been grossly twisted and taken out of context. I have seen sickness in the last year reach a new height, my own included! How unjust the world is to those to whom it disregards and misunderstands. It is as if I have two faces — one with which those who hate me think I'm wearing and one with which those who truly know me and love me see me wearing. When enough people start to see me as bad, troubled, unkind, cruel, fake, f*cked up, I start to question whether they are right. My entire life's worth seems to be on the line at times, in my mind. Are they right? Am I really an awful person?  Of course they would agree with that.

And I know who I am, and I am not that woman a few people profess me to be. I'm not. I am thriving after narcissistic abuse, and I am thriving after a difficult divorce — not a bitter divorce, but one in which I was lied to with big giant lies and makes it hard for me to trust again. Maybe I will always have unanswered questions surrounding my marriage, and maybe I'll never be able to completely trust my son's father. I'm in the process of letting go of the anger in that department. I don't exactly know what to do with the lack of respect. I probably will never have it from him, or some of the others who've judged me harshly. I hear my ex-boyfriend's, my neighbor's, the law, the judge, and all the other the angry, accusative, unhealthy, disrespectful, sick, uncaring, intolerant, judgmental, rage-filled people of this world spew their harsh, angry, hurtful words in my direction.

Thee's no way to deflect them it seems. I'm human. I'm not evil. I'm not inconsiderate.

I don't understand.

And it hurts.

A lot.

But I wont let it ruin my day or take me down. Not for long anyway.

Which leads me to this gratitude list. It's that time of the year to share one with you and it helps to unclench the grip on my heart that's choking life from me.

Today I'm utterly and completely grateful for:
  • the God of my understanding who fills up those empty spots and gently removes the dark shadows surrounding me
  • my son who warms my heart and brights light into our home
  • friends who love me unconditionally
  • a nice job where I can thrive in my field showcasing the skills I have been given
  • this blog
  • the support group I have 
  • all the help I have in so many areas of my life
  • a beautiful apartment
  • music that sings to my soul
  • my family
  • self-esteem and confidence (working on more!)
  • fun plans for Thanksgiving
  • a church home
Have a wonderful holiday. I hope you are able to experience peace and joy.

Love, Andrea





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