I will never know the truth about Bill or what he was up to last summer. I will never know how long he was with that other woman before he discarded me.
It's OK and it's not OK.
I grapple, still, with the two sides of that man.
And in my journey I have discovered some disconcerting truths. He was not the man I thought he was. He most likely trashed my reputation to others, thankfully people who have little to do with my life.
I am blessed in ways I cannot even begin to imagine, there is a God who loves me just as I am, I have family and friends who love me right where I'm at, I'm loved by my son, I am a gifted, kind person who has a lot to offer this world still.
That is what I believe to be true.
The more I read, the more I realize I was duped, brain washed, abused, lied to. The more I read, the more I begin to believe I was with someone who is truly evil.
I know, sounds bizarre and sketchy and all that. Sounds like I'm paranoid.
Just remember, there are people everywhere, in the sweetest gentlest of towns who murder and kill. Not saying I was with a murderer, but I do truly believe he is capable of doing things that most people would not do because he had no conscience. People without a conscience are sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists.
The above excerpt is from a book called, The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. It describes my ex-boyfriend 100% and how I viewed him. I grapple now with adding his photo here, expressionless, haunting. But I wont. You can search my blog if you want to see his vacuous face, but I don't think it's helpful to tar and feather him here.
And let me also say that I know that John 8:22 refers to God. That is how the truth will set me free.
I am not a stupid woman. Each book I have read has helped me to understand that anyone can be duped by a psychopath. Anyone.
And now I know what to look for. I don't think I will be fooled again. I'm not ready for a new relationship, but when I am, I will know myself better. And by learning how to give myself what I need, I will be better able to walk away from red flags, and to protect myself before I allow anyone to get close to my heart.
If you like to read the bible, this is a great app for women. In addition to a wonderful calming beautiful interface and approach, the app offers these amazingly luminous illustration by Patrick Laurent. I love each of them! You can also find his shop, Quiet Boy Studio on etsy.
And lest you think I am haunted only by my past ...
My son keeps me busy. I know my life is good, so good. I know that I am gifted and blessed. I know I have so much to offer friends, family, strangers.
In the end, all is well.
And for goodness sake, it's Dr. Seuss's birthday today!
And I'm not too grown up to avoid a selfie, now that my brows have been cleaned up. :P
And this is what I really about that relationship ...
I am finally believing that I am better than what he treated me as. I am worthy of love, of being treated well. I am beginning to value myself and what I bring to life, to others. I am a good woman. I have a lot of love to give. I have a genuinely gorgeous sweet son who loves me unconditionally.
I am worthy of being treated well.
Thanks for joining me on this journey.
It's far from over. But I'm glad I have had your company along the way.