I can't live in rage like that for long. How can people live like that? I don't understand it. (Be glad you don't understand Andrea.)
Rage is not a part of my life anymore, and I haven't been around the active disease in a long time. I have forgotten what it's like to be the target of someone else's rage and resentments. I am working thru my own inner demons and resentments, staying close to the spiritual side of things so that I don't collapse in despair. I haven't been the target of rage in a while so it's uncomfortable to say the least when it's spewed in my direction, especially when it's undeserved.
Addiction is deadly, but it's also very sick and ugly. It takes the sweetest kindest of hearts and tears the body, mind and soul apart. The alcoholic and the family members are all affected.
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
-Big Book of AA
I'm sickened by what has happened this year with my friendship with my neighbor. Things have been grossly twisted and taken out of context. I have seen sickness in the last year reach a new height, my own included! How unjust the world is to those to whom it disregards and misunderstands. It is as if I have two faces — one with which those who hate me think I'm wearing and one with which those who truly know me and love me see me wearing. When enough people start to see me as bad, troubled, unkind, cruel, fake, f*cked up, I start to question whether they are right. My entire life's worth seems to be on the line at times, in my mind. Are they right? Am I really an awful person? Of course they would agree with that.
And I know who I am, and I am not that woman a few people profess me to be. I'm not. I am thriving after narcissistic abuse, and I am thriving after a difficult divorce — not a bitter divorce, but one in which I was lied to with big giant lies and makes it hard for me to trust again. Maybe I will always have unanswered questions surrounding my marriage, and maybe I'll never be able to completely trust my son's father. I'm in the process of letting go of the anger in that department. I don't exactly know what to do with the lack of respect. I probably will never have it from him, or some of the others who've judged me harshly. I hear my ex-boyfriend's, my neighbor's, the law, the judge, and all the other the angry, accusative, unhealthy, disrespectful, sick, uncaring, intolerant, judgmental, rage-filled people of this world spew their harsh, angry, hurtful words in my direction.
Thee's no way to deflect them it seems. I'm human. I'm not evil. I'm not inconsiderate.
I don't understand.
And it hurts.
But I wont let it ruin my day or take me down. Not for long anyway.
Which leads me to this gratitude list. It's that time of the year to share one with you and it helps to unclench the grip on my heart that's choking life from me.
Today I'm utterly and completely grateful for:
- the God of my understanding who fills up those empty spots and gently removes the dark shadows surrounding me
- my son who warms my heart and brights light into our home
- friends who love me unconditionally
- a nice job where I can thrive in my field showcasing the skills I have been given
- this blog
- the support group I have
- all the help I have in so many areas of my life
- a beautiful apartment
- music that sings to my soul
- my family
- self-esteem and confidence (working on more!)
- fun plans for Thanksgiving
- a church home
Have a wonderful holiday. I hope you are able to experience peace and joy.