Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I am More Than a Man Leaving

Someone said that to me in a comment a few posts back. I can't explain brain chemistry. This is the strangest place I have ever been in with regard to depression. Yes I have hurt greatly when Matt left. Yet this is very different.

I want to be clear, I am not suicidal.

I want to tell you something however about the darkest thoughts I had a few weeks back before I saw a doctor and started a medical treatment for this depression.

I have come the closest to suicide I have ever been. Oh, it's not just a man leaving, nor losing the house. It's not any one of those things in particular. It is the culmination of several things, many of which I could handle had I not been betrayed by someone I loved and trusted. I dated him for almost 3 years. He was my rock, my best friend, my champion. He was as much of a part of my day as eating, brushing my teeth, breathing. He just fit into my life, woven intrinsically into every hour of the day. We were in touch constantly throughout the day. We saw each other 3 times a week, more often when possible. It was almost like a marriage but we lived apart. He loved me, he loved my son, his family loved me. We had ups and downs, closer months, more distant months. We were sometimes too busy to hang out, and we sometimes felt we had to get to know each other all over again when we met up if we had been apart for too long. We were very close and did so much together. And our love life was intimate and healthy.

We had a month where we were so close it almost scared me. I began to be excited about our future. My heart was bursting, his was feeling some things he had never felt before, and my little boy had warmed his way into this man's heart.

My divorce was final, and I realized that I was really in love and wanted us to move forward.

And then... We had a month where we hadn't been able to connect, and I sensed something was different. He was distant but that was not unusual. We often had to reconnect after being apart for so long. He had two trips, I had one and we hadn't been together for a while.

We spent a weekend together finally. First one with the three of us. It did not go well. Maybe another time I can write about it. I took full responsibility for it.

One week later we spent 5 full days together and on the 5th day we ended it, amicably. He told me he didn't want to be a father nor get married. I wanted that, and so we knew we wanted different things.

On my birthday, my 50th birthday, he sent me one last text.

And that was it.

I had no idea we were not going to talk anymore. We had talked for 10 days, saw each other during those days, hung out a few times. It was different, but we were trying to "untangle".

But on the 25th of July, radio silence.

I tried to talk to him. No response. No text. No coming by. I went to see him. He was angry and ran off. I had no idea what happened.

And then I realized. There was another woman. Yes, there was and I had figured it out and he wanted me out so that he could date her. Problem was I didn't want to go away without closure.

Well, things went from bad to worse after that. He's very into this new young beautiful woman. I'm done too, sad, heartbroken, but mostly I feel betrayed. It seemed to happen so fast. And all those things he told me... they were lies.

My depression got worse. The convergence of hormones, a 50th birthday, breaking up, betrayal (sexually too) and losing my home was just too much for me. I felt guilt, I internalized the things he said to me. My days were dark and the desire to fix this was stronger than my desire to parent my child.

Let me repeat that.

My desire to make things right in that relationship was stronger than my desire to parent my child.

Strange things were happening to my brain. I wasn't thinking clearly. If you read this blog you will see how much I love my son. I suddenly understood those drug addicts who leave their children at home, or take them with them into dangerous parts of the city in order to get their fix. I understood why woman did drugs in front of their kids. It all became clear. There are times in one's life where the desire to do something for one's self is stronger than the responsibility you have to take care of your child.

I'm not a drug addict. But holy crap, I was definitely doing things that mothers do not do. Unless they are drug addicts.

And then the darkness came. The strong suicidal thoughts. I can tell you this from my own experience, those of you who know someone who has killed themselves:

Nothing can stop them. Nothing you say or do can stop them. I have 100 friends who will drop anything to help me. I have a million reasons to stay alive. I have a 1000 gifts that God gave me, and I know all these great things about myself. I do. I know I am a good woman. I know I am in inspiration to many. I know my friends adore me! I know I bring smiles to people's faces, I warm hearts, I help heal them, I counsel, love, give, teach, share. I am that person. I'm one of the good ones (thank you Mom and Dad and God and brother and sisters for teaching me all that I know).

None of that mattered. I knew it would be a waste to end my life. I had more to give. More to do. I knew it would hurt a lot of people, greatly. I knew it would make my family feel guilty and angry. I knew my nephews, Kaz, Julia would just die and cry and not understand. (These are all young people who look up to me.)

The one hitch was Oliver. And even Oliver, I began to feel, would be OK without me.

I'm telling you that there was nothing anyone could have done to stop me.

I only thank God that I felt a hook to my son. He is what stopped me. He is the reason I dealt with the pain.

And the pain is the only reason that I wanted to end it because it was more intense than any I'd ever felt.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Now I can see for myself that that man was not worth hurting this little boy. As hard as it is to let him go (I have no choice) I am going to face my future without his love and support and I am going to get better so I can be that happy mom again for my Peanut.

Let me tell you this is no easy task. The meds are starting to work, but it's only the beginning. I've work to do and I have to get my act together somehow to manage what needs to get done in my life. I have a big project at work and yet i have to pack up an entire house in just a few days.

My son is sleeping here beside me. I love that he likes to be in my bed with me. He's not a big cuddler anymore, so we don't hug and cuddle up like we used to. But that's fine. He's here. He's my rock, my anchor and the reason why I'm still here today.

I want to find that zest for life again, even just glimpses of it. Until then, my friends and family are gently prodding me along keeping me on my path until my brain gets right and my heart mends.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Wow... This is the Worst Struggle

I'm not sure how I can give all my power and self-esteem away to one single person. I guess lesson learned. I'm also trying to remember the "regrets" I had when my marriage ended. I remember saying, "If I had to do it all over again I'd walk away and divorce him sooner than he thought I would." I wish I would not have waited two years or so before he could make up his mind whether he wanted me or not.Why can't I be one of those women who walk away from a jerk and say Fuck You Asshole, I deserve better and so does my son.

I re-read a few things from 2010 when Matt first left and I see that I was struggling but at least during that time the pain was coupled with hope. Here I have none. No hope at all, and I am living in constant fear. Fear of what? Too private to share.

There is much going on, too much all at one. Two significant relationships ending, one major betrayal, one loss of a home, not knowing when I am going to have to move (is it days? One month? Two months?) or is there still hope I can keep this house? I am up in the air with work and how much I will now be making in the next few months. I just turned a significant age and my X broke up with me on that particular date and wont even so much as return a call or a text. Hormones play a major factor and then there's the anxiety and the brain chemistry. History of depression and suicidal thoughts. Hospitals are not the answer, trust me. The system is not designed to help but to imprison and sedate the patient then lump ship them off like cattle into out patient intensive therapy where they make you do scrapbooks of hopes and dreams. That is all bullshit and if I want to get better I have to wait until the meds kick in and then just face my day with as much strength and fake happiness as I can. I seriously don't want to talk to anyone. I doubt if my x knows how bad it is for me or how his actions have nearly led me to ending my own life.

I am not suicidal. I want to live and I have no thoughts to end it. I am just beside myself with pain.

Besides, please know that by shoving someone like me in the hospital will not work. I am already under a physician's care and we are just waiting for the meds to start doing their thing so that I can return to a functional state.

All I can say is Oliver Oliver Oliver. Oliver Oliver Oliver. He needs me, that's what you all say but sometimes I do think he might be happier without such a sad Mommy around.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

A Day at the Races

You'd never know by looking at us that I was struggling this day. I hide it well. I lost my temper big time with my son, and for that I feel horrible. It's been a long time since I lost my temper with him. He tells me he feels stupid when I get mad at him, and so we've been working hard (I've been working hard) to treat him with love and kindness even when I have to discipline him.

I'm moving in slow motion these days. I am definitely 5 miles below the speed limit. So it's ironic that we went to watch cars zip around the track in 18 seconds going 120 mph.

So... this is my friend's Indy race car that she sponsors... Sararh Hartman Racing, #67. Driver Josef Newgarten. After the race, the crew let Oliver sit in his car!!

You can see Oliver dressed himself for today's activities. He has his racing shirt on. I love this kid!

And here you can see my darker hair color. I needed a change. You can see I've lost about 20lbs as well. I seem pretty happy here, and for a while today I did feel at peace. There was some anxiety going on, some obsessive thinking. Things are not normal for me, and I've not felt like this before, EVER. It scares me, so I am doing all I can to get better. I tell my son that all the time too: Mommy is doing everything she can to get better so I can play with you again. I try, it's just not that easy.

After the race we bought a few fresh items at the store and I made my awesome pasta sauce. Oliver loved it and we had a nice evening. He played with his new truck and indy cars we purchased at the race, then we headed to bed. Here he sleeps beside me. I hate that tomorrow he has to go to his dad's. There is some comfort in having him with me, there's some safety in that as well. But I suspect he needs a break from me.

I'm enjoying a new book (for a change) by Mark Salzman, The Soloist. Finally something that can keep my attention. I meditated tonight, spoke with a couple friends and am enjoying this quiet moment here in my room.

Morning's suck. I hear more from the bank tomorrow and then I have a meeting with the agency who I let down last weekend. I hope nothing more bad can happen to me. I'm prepared to move, I just don't know when it will be.

Thank you to my friends, especially Ann, Deb and Pamela. My three closest and oldest friends who will be by my side no matter what and help me to knock that man off his pedestal. Boy are they pissed.

Lucky me.

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