Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Do You Have Time to Read This?

We've been so busy that not only do I not have the time or desire to write, I don't even have the time to read the blogs I normally do.

I will be moving this blog eventually. I've outgrown this platform and even tho it seems I have no time and little to share, I know this blog needs to move to a WP platform.

I am in such joy lately as I have been rewarded with my life back, almost completely free from the struggles that have tormented me in the past. It's a wonderful feeling. I feel secure in God's love for me, more secure in my 12-step program, more confident in who I am. I give thanks to God for all of that because it truly is a miracle. It's been a while since I felt joy. Pure, authentic joy, free from worry, free from those who think less of me, swaying and swimming in the love for those who believe in me and want me in their lives. What a switch.

One of the best gifts I have been given: the unconditional love and gooey enjoyment of my son. I'm loving being a mother again. I mean completely back to where I once was.

I can revel in Oliver's playful engagement and wonder of life. I can focus on his 7-year-old-ness. His little self acting so large and tall. I see him sleeping at night and just cannot belief this little human once fit in my tummy (altho by the looks of my tummy now, it's not a far stretch!).   :)

He's still my little Peanut tho... tugging on my shirt constantly. Momma. Momma. Momma! We have a TON of fun together!

And when he goes to his father's I miss him so. There is a nice peace in the home that I can revel in. But he's missing. His 4' presence is large and it's noticeable when he's gone.

It's really wonderful to have those maternal feelings back, completely and fully.

I found these wonderful blank books at Target the other day. I often leave notes on Oliver's desk at school, so I decided I would leave notes in this blank book when he goes to his dad's. Like a collection.

Just simple little notes.

He comes home and can't wait to read them. It's been super fun!

I love this painting and I wish I knew who painted it. I would buy it! It looks just like me. This is how I have been feeling the past 5 years. And still some days I do feel like this. But not so much anymore.

My relationship with God is the other significant change in my life. He is such a huge source of comfort and hope for me. I am trusting that He exists, that He has plans for me. Every reading, whether a daily reader, a Bible verse or even a silly simple fortune in a Chinese cookie tells me to "wait".  So I am. I am focusing on my life, my son, what I need to do. I pray often. I study. I read scripture. I read books. I'm just not going to worry anymore about the sick man I dated who horrifically discarded me almost one full year ago (this Saturday will mark 1 year), and even Matt I no longer am worrying about. I give up. I let go. I deserve way better than what Matt or Bill gave me. (Can I hear a hooray or a You Go Girl?!!!) This has been a long time coming.

I realize now that not everyone will like me, understand me, see the good in me. I'm learning that I don't NEED your or anyone's acceptance and love. All I need to do is focus on my life. That I am loved by my Creator. That I am to live out this life; I have a purpose. I am not sure what it is. Maybe it's multifold. Maybe I have more than one purpose. Maybe we all have that... we all have many reasons we are here.

My focus is on my relationship with GOD... and my and Oliver’s needs.

I am taking care of ME and admitting that I am not always perfect. If you can't accept that, OH WELL. Move on. And I don't need to hang with people who think I'm trash. I don't need the approval of those who think I'm sick.

I am filled with Joy... I know my worth. I know I am good. I know it, and if you don't see it, that's OK. My son loves me to pieces. I have so many friends I can't get them all to my home or to my cottage or even have time to have coffee and lunch with them.

Speaking of cottage, I started a rock garden!

Small but I plan to add a few more plants this summer and then see how it fares over the winter. If it survives the bitter cold Door County winters, then I shall expand.

Well, I'll leave you with this beautiful photo that represents many of my evenings this summer. We have been away so much, and I truly will not forget this amazing time of my life.

I'm finally free.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Moving Thru Life

Hey there, I know it's been a while since I posted. The last 11 months have been very difficult for me, and I have used this time to heal and grow. I've been focusing on me and Oliver, and that's about it. My business has slowed down a lot. Lucky for me I have a lot of money saved so I can pay bills and even enjoy a few other extras.

Oliver is in Switzerland right now with his dad and Amy. They are having a blast and I'm glad Oliver is getting to experience what life is like in the country where his dad grew up.

I am taking this time to clean out a few things. I pretty much gave away much of what I owned last summer/fall, and purging has been life-giving actually. We still have more than we need, and that is what I'm working on this week. I am also starting a new garden. Now that we are in a new home, I'm having to start from scratch. This house has been renovated, but the yard is overgrown with weeds and ground cover. It's gross actually. Our new garage is being built and with dirt, (rain makes it muddy) and building materials everywhere, there's not much to be done to fix up the exterior of the home. My garden is a raised bed; I'm building two.

I found a power drill when I packed up to move and it's incredible. I am not a professional by any means, but I did build a firewood storage rack and it's only slightly falling apart. :D

I'm trying to kill the ground cover, therefore my beds are getting started late. I have a few things in pots and will transplant when everything is rich and dry and ready.

I still love this apartment. I have a front and back patio. I planted flowers in the front and veggies in the back. My son does not have the fancy home that his friends' have, nor does he have the room to play in the yard that his father's home has. Yet, he seems very happy here. He doesn't complain. I'm happy here too. I don't plan to move again until I'm ready to buy our own home, and I don't see that happening any time soon.

We have been up to our cottage already. No major problems there. I'll be heading up soon and taking time to clean it down to the window sills and under the furniture. Oliver hasn't outgrown it yet thank goodness.

We lost a dear friend up there this past winter. It's awful. Grampa Johnson is gone and now our friend Jeff passed away too. He was the man who brought all the fish to the Memorial Day and Labor Day fish boils in Gill's Rock. It was sad to be there this year without him. Those were my two favorite guys up there. Jeff would always greet me at the beginning of each year, "Welcome Home!" he'd say with a big smile on my face, knowing full well this was our "vacation" home. Just hearing those welcoming words made me feel loved. I often thought about moving up there, away from all this, away from my past. And Grampa Johnson used to say goodbye with tears in his eyes, letting me knw he feared that our fall good-byes might be our last. Two falls ago they were. Last summer was not the same without him. This summer is different too, altho life does go on.

I have a million photos on Instagram. For those of you who do not have it on your phones you can click that link to see the web version. It's meant to be a mobile app, so many of the features are not available online, but at least you can see a few sunsets. When time allows, I'll try to add pix here, and I'll even try to update more. Life's been boring and the stuff I was (and still am) dealing with I had to find another outlet for. Dating a Narcissist took a big toll on me. It's not a normal break up. Oprah finally sent out an article about Narcissists this past week in her email newsletter. I wish people were more aware of Narcissistic and Sociopathic personality disorders. They are not only the serial killers on TV. They are your friends, neighbors, coworkers and even your husbands. It is so prevalent and yet people know very little about this horrific personality disorder and what they do to their victims. It's been almost a year and I'm still not ready to date anyone else. Ugh.

OK, back to gardening this evening. See you soon, I hope.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

April 29, 2010

On that date, April 29, 2010, five years ago, my husband walked out of our home. I believe that was a Thursday.

On Sunday he came home from a weekend retreat. He asked me what I wanted to do that day (with Oliver). I said, "Let's go for a bike ride at the park."

“I don't want to go all the way out there,”  he said.

“Why do you ask me what I want to do if you don't want to do it?” I replied.

I walked away. Sad. Bummed. It had been a stressful couple weeks for us. I had no idea what was to come next, but I knew things were not great. Not because we had been fighting. No. I sensed something. An indifference. A distance. He had been unreachable lately.

I sat down in my son's room, on the glider Matt had insisted he buy for me and our baby. I didn't want to spend the money, but he had really wanted me to have it. And I had been so incredibly grateful for it once our son was born.

Matt walked into the room.

He stood there.

I can still see him. About 4 feet away from me. I was looking at him. He was looking away.

"It's over," he said. "I don't love you anymore. I don't think I ever loved you."

My heart dropped to the floor. I knew he was serious. I knew this was it.

"No!" I moaned. But I knew it was useless. He was gone.


I fell to my knees.

He walked away.

I could not believe what I was hearing, and yet I just knew it was the end. I knew there was nothing I could say or do.

I tried tho. I said a few things. He was stoic. Gone. Empty. He had nothing for me. He was a stone wall.

I tried to plea, but he would not even put his arms around me. He would not look at me. He offered no comfort, no response.

I don't remember anything else except that he said he was moving out. Right away.

We both walked out. He took Oliver to the park, and I starting calling for help. Friends. Support. No one was around.

I watched Matt and Oliver head down the alley. I wanted so badly to be with them.

Finally I reached a friend. “Come over,” she said.

I drove over there.

“He just needs to calm down.”

“No. He's serious. It is over.”

“Give him time to cool off.”

“No. We did not have a fight. It wasn't an argument. It was not said in the heat of the moment. It's over!”

That was Sunday.

By Tuesday he had found an apartment.

By Thursday, he was moved out.

It's five years later. He never came back. Not once.

We did attempt to see each other for a short time. End of May thru the 4th of July. A month or so. We were intimate. We took a planned trip to San Antonio the first weekend of July, but he was not chivalrous. He was not interested in me, instead he was on the phone texting his buddy all weekend, I suspect giving him a play by play. And when we came back he told me that the more time he spends with me, the less he wants to be with me. He told me that as my friends pulled up in the car. We were headed to a girls weekend away. I wanted to die. I didn't know if I could even have fun that weekend. I didn't know if I wanted to live.

He would not look me in the eye for the next 6 months. I found out he had been seeing someone else. And then when that broke off, he was sweet to me again. For about a month. I actually had hope of a reconciliation. And then, boom. Back to being a nasty jerk. When he started seeing the woman he would eventually marry, he became kind to me. He had calmed down. It was an over night change. I still don't understand that, but it is what happened.

Six months after he met her, he filed for divorce. Two years later we were divorced.

And you know the whole story if you have been reading this blog. For I did start this blog two years or more before he left.

Today I'm OK. I'm finally over him. If I didn't have to see him, I would not. But we are amicable, most days. He and his wife came over for dinner on Oliver's 7th birthday. They make sure to give me Christmas and birthday and Mother's Day gifts too.

I'd rather not have to deal with him, but of course we have this beautiful boy. And for Oliver's sake, I don't trash his dad, or his dad's wife. I'm learning to trust Matt again, but not completely. Oliver needs him. I do it for Oliver, and for my own sanity. It's not really for Matt.

And now I face my next battle, the latest depression. The hurdle of another broken relationship. But even now I'm doing better. It's taken time. Healing from dating a Narcissist has been hard. It was not a normal break up. (Are they ever?)

I can tell you this: I am looking forward to summer. To the cottage opening up! I love my new apartment. My son is a hoot! And there have been no more roller coaster of emotions lately.

Life is finally somewhat stable.

And for that, I'm truly grateful.

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