Our Story: Part 4- Parenting through the Mess: Raising Kids while Healing Ourselves.
This is Part 4 of the “Our Story “ series: a look into how we got to where we are today and how our marriage and family were rebuilt after walking through some of our hardest seasons.
Getting back together was just the beginning. Rebuilding our marriage and our family took everything we had.
The truth? We didn’t know how to be married, and we didn’t know how to be a family. It had never been modeled for us, and we were just figuring it out as we went. Like most young parents, we prioritized our children. After all, that’s what good parents do, right? Their needs and wants, everything, revolved around them. Some of it stemmed from guilt, as we were always working, and some came from a deep desire to be the parents we pictured, you know, those TV parents that got it right, all the time.
But what we didn’t see at the time was that putting our kids first meant putting our marriage on the back burner. Not intentionally. Just in subtle ways that grew into distance and resentment.
What did that look like? You know, that family trip where you spend all day chasing the little ones in all different directions. A long family trip, and at the end, you somehow feel empty and even alone! Of course, then came guild because I felt so disconnected from him because (I didn’t know it at the time) my love language is Quality Time. And Juan, well, he was confused because, in his exhausted mind, we had spent all day together. We had no idea that, despite having so much “family time,” we were not connecting; we were just living parallel lives.
It was very difficult that first year back together. We thought we were rebuilding, but the truth is, we had to learn to let our old relationship die so that we could start anew. You know, kind of like a PHOENIX, rising from the ashes.
We had to learn to Date again and learn how to be around each other, together. This was particularly challenging for us, especially after being “roommates” for so long; it was also hard on the kids. Not only were they first-hand witnesses to our marriage falling apart and now being rebuilt, but they were also accustomed to being at the center of our world. It was an adjustment for them to learn that our marriage had to take priority over everyone else (except God). We had to re-teach them that our relationship had to be healthy in order for our family to be healthy.
Slowly, they began to notice and feel the difference. They would catch us kissing in the kitchen, flirting with each other. Going on trips and noticing we often stepped back to reconnect and walk alongside each other. We had to change the narrative of our family. For our family to thrive, it had to be God first, our marriage second, and the kids third.
Now, I know not everyone will agree with this approach. I understand the instinct to prioritize the kids, especially when they’re young and so dependent on us. But here's the truth we learned: one day, they will grow up and go off to build their own lives, hopefully! Our kids are in that process as I write this. The last thing Juan and I ever wanted was to look at each other, after the house was empty and quiet, and realize WE had nothing left; no connection, and no friendship, just two people who had spent decades co-parenting but had forgotten how to love each other.
Today, our family is stronger because of that decision, but it is also a process. It’s so easy to fall back into old habits, after all, they are our kids. Our kids have seen what it looks like to fight for love. They’ve seen grace in action. They’ve seen a relationship that keeps growing and thriving and no longer just surviving. And I hope that one day, when they build families of their own, they’ll remember the kisses in the kitchen, the stolen moments on family trips, and the way their parents chose each other, over and over again.
Because that’s what love is, a daily choice! And that’s the legacy we want to leave.
