Her Story: Part 1- The Stirring - When God First Planted the Seed

Before I even get into how Peanut came into our lives, I have to take a step back quickly. We never anticipated having more kids. We had our three happy and healthy babies and felt like that chapter was closed for good. Here’s why:

Without getting fully into it (trust me, that’s a whole story of its own), when Jaylen was born, we almost lost both her and me. I had an emergency C-section due to a prolapsed umbilical cord. Honestly, the whole pregnancy was miserable, so after she was born, Juan got fixed (my wording..he had a vasectomy). We closed that chapter in our lives…or so we thought.

I don’t even know how to explain how the first little inkling occurred other than to say that suddenly, I was baby-crazed! I KNEW we needed to have another baby. It wasn’t just a hormone thing. Yes, I was hitting my 30s and technically my biological clock was like…hey, it’s time to have babies, and it forgot I already had three! But this wasn’t that! I don’t know how to fully explain it, but I had this overwhelming nagging that we had to have another baby. And soon!

Unsure how that was going to happen (remember, hubby got fixed), I went into research mode. On overage, it's not uncommon for a vasectomy not to take or even grow back, within 10-15 years from the first procedure. Juan had a few very painful (his words) complications, so I instantly thought, That’s it! His vasectomy is going to naturally reverse. That had to be the answer!

For about 7 months, at the start of the month, I would have phantom pregnancy symptoms. Sure that I was pregnant, I’d take a test, they would come back negative, and my cycle would start. I’d instantly fall into a depressive slump until I soon got my hopes up again, every single month. I was honestly losing my mind. I couldn’t understand how my heart was telling me a baby was coming, but my body constantly let me down. I started begging God to remove this feeling from me.

I was slowly tearing myself down, and it began to affect my marriage and my overall health until one day, I woke up with a new realization. We weren’t supposed to have another child. We were supposed to foster a child! I’m not sure how I jumped to that conclusion, but looking back, it sounds like a stretch. Juan sure thought so.

Juan immediately said no! He had a front row seat to my year-long emotional rollercoaster, and he was concerned. He knew mentally I would never be able to foster a child, only to turn them back over to their biological parents at a later date. After all, that’s the point of fostering, reunification.

So I kept praying. Trying so hard to figure out what God was trying to tell me.

Then, Juan called me from work one day. He worked with our local Behavioral Health system at the time, and many of his clients were in foster care and were struggling. In fact, some of our local youth were being placed out of the county due to a lack of foster homes. He said he felt like God told him, “Put your money where your mouth is!” He asked me to do some research about getting certified as foster parents and to start the process.

This was it! Finally, my answer was becoming clear. That is what God was calling us to do, right?

It takes roughly 6 months to a year to complete the necessary steps to become a foster parent, depending on your local county. Background checks, home studies, doctors’ appointments, classes, and countless interviews. It’s a process. But the sooner you complete your parts, the sooner you can have your first placement. So once I got the paperwork in my hands, I did everything in my power to get them turned in as quickly as possible. I knew a child was waiting for us, so we had to get it done.

When others finally found out we were signing up to be foster parents (we kept almost this entire process secret), we were warned that our phone wouldn’t stop ringing. We would have to be okay with saying no to more kids since there was such a struggle finding families. Our paperwork was finalized. We got our approval. I waited for the phone call.

I waited….

And Waited…

AND WAITED!

Nothing. No call. No placements. Not even an inquiry.

For almost 6 months!!

What did we do wrong?! How did God guide us this far, only to have a door slammed shut? Why weren’t we being placed!? Were we that horrible of people that the county decided we were not a good placement? Que more insecurity, depression, and anxiety.

To add to the entire mental struggle. For those 6 months, I had a recurring dream. It happened almost every night. The exact same dream over and over.

The dream was simple.

It was the middle of the night. Juan and I were lying in bed. Lying on my chest was a tiny baby. Full head of hair, quietly sleeping after they just finished their bottle. I don’t know how to explain it (so much of that) but I understood this baby didn’t come from us, but this baby was ours.

I don’t know how, but I knew this dream was God talking to me. I was trying to trust His process. But at the same time, the emotional turmoil, fear, and anxiety were starting to take over. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold on to this dream.

Then suddenly….with one phone call, our lives completely changed.